I'm currently over run with preoccupations: with my own life, world events, family, issues I don't know how to handle, etc. I feel guilty about blogging so much about my love life, and not enough about how beautiful life is meant to be and the few things we can innocently indulge in. Lately its been overwhelmingly difficult for me to see the balance of things in life. I feel selfish for complaining and ranting, meanwhile people are going through revolutions in the Middle East and suffering natural disasters in New Zealand. And all the while, my dormant garden has begun to bud and today the first flower bloomed on my peach tree.
Life is a funny thing, we always say that in order to learn something, we need to experience it first hand, but many times we fail to learn from our mistakes and end up in a rut. We tell ourselves that we cannot appreciate things until we lose them, but are we mistaking appreciation for possessive behavior? I lost a very close and dear family member not so long ago, and I told myself that with his loss I would push myself to become a well-rounded person, to live in the present, take advantage of what life gave me, and endlessly learn from my mistakes. But I feel like i only live up to these things every so often.
I'm a hypocrite and I'm honest about it. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time with myself, but I try ever so hard to stay true to my ideals and find happiness wherever it is that I end up. Its hard to admit, but as optimistic as I usually am, I cant find many things that bring joy and radiance to my life. I've lost so much within the past year: my passion for architecture, my love for all the little things, the hope to find happiness with previous loves. But at the same time, I can see all that I was given and everything that I still have: good health, an amazing family who brings me pride and inspiration, irreplaceable friends, and plenty of opportunities in life. I don't understand why I fixate on the doors that have closed themselves or that others have closed for me, while I have so many waiting for me open and others continuously opening at the same time.
Within the course of this new year, I've in essence been redefining myself from the ground up. I felt lost and confused, with little or no drive to accomplish a single thing. My task to reinvent my persona has proven to be an arduous mission. I've taken interest in exploring other religions than my own, learning about new cultures, discovering new activities which have therapeutic effects, and find the love I've lost for all the little things I once cherished. I have come a long way already. I once again feel alive; I can feel emotions stir inside of me, music can bring tears to my eyes, and coffee warms up my soul. I'm not hoping to feel complete anytime soon, but I still want to feel so much more. I want to wake up and cry because life is a beautiful miracle, feel in love with myself and with the universe, bask in the glorious sun and feel free from guilt, pain, and disappointment.
I don't want to waste my life chasing dreams and filling myself with wishful thinking. I'd rather be honest and educated than to be happy and ignorant- continuously leading me nowhere. I want so many things and fear the consequences that follow them. At the same time, I refuse to not accept anything and live in a shadow. I can live with the hope that one day the sun will shine and everything will come together in my life, but until then, I'll take what life gives me day by day.
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